Heads up- I am sharing personal stories to give context to the perspective of where I am coming from. Solo travel as a woman in a patriarchal society is still a luxury
I am the only child my parents, the case to be most pampered. I give credit to my mom in never pampering me, something I have been very thankful for. She made my life easy by not asking me to do household chores, a belief that one gets bored early in life by doing such things early in life. She never likes doing them as she started helping my grandmom early in life. She still has limited choice now since she doesn’t like hiring maids and wants to have enough exercise at home with work, which also helps keeping her mind occupied and sharp
She always encouraged me to be independent. I remember taking a bus alone to school at times at the age of 7 or 8. My dad enrolled me in Budokan karate classes, both for exercise and self-defense. My parents never said no for my solo trip to Turkey and Greece at the age of 28. I had the freedom to do almost anything, a trust that I am deeply thankful for again. Turkey is known for harassing, catcalling women if you venture into unsafe areas. Maybe they were unaware of it, or confident enough that I could handle them
Being the only child simplified sibling rivalry or money sharing complications in adult life. It made it simpler to take them along on our travels. I never felt any discrimination about being a girl child. I was brought up like any other boy in our neighborhood
I still see signs of patriarchy in my so called forward family. My grandparents loved all grandchildren a lot. They also taught me different things in their interactions, that people have shades of grey in them. Someone who is nice to you may not be nice to others. No person is fully bad or good. My grandmom was a prime example. She loved her son much more than her daughters, despite her son giving much more disappointment on different occasions than her daughters who were always almost complying. She felt spending on children should be equal (a good principle but translating into not so good actions) and made my mom feel bad about slightly higher spending on her education at a different college than my uncle.
She was educated, worked in the Public Works department before her marriage. Both my grandparents came from educated families considering their time, with their parents and uncles being doctors, lawyers, agriculturists
My grandmom always wanted to die beside her son, which was never fulfilled. She passed away at our home next to my mom. My uncle had taken care of her for months during her final days and wanted us to take her for some time for a change, get relief from care taking duties. She was frail, not fit enough to travel, but we agreed to take her to our house to give some space for my aunt who was fed up taking care of her. She couldn’t take the intercity travel, collapsed on the way which worsened over a couple of days after she passed away. That incident taught me that children can never take care of parents the way parents take care of sick children, despite any amount of love you have
My grandad was the most practical one. He always gave away money to the needy and his children as some funds would accumulate. He was kind, generous, sociable, always active doing household chores. He believed in karma tog rather than God. I considered him to be an idol for all the good work he did.
The only thing that surprised me was unequal distribution of wealth in his will linked to sale of the house. He had mentioned a small amount adjusted for inflation (say around 2% of house value) for his girl children. I wonder if he was unaware of the value of the house in central Bangalore, which I highly doubt since I remember him mentioning about valuations of at least a crore, which would mean giving 10% to his girl children. A simple equitable distribution would have upheld equality much more. My uncle gave much more than the stated in the will (~15% each), but not equal, again something I was surprised about that equality was not in his mind either. He did spend much more on maintenance of the house, but at the same time, he did get income like rent to offset the expenses. A fair distribution would have been subtracting all his expenses for the house and then distributing it equally. Thanks to God’s grace, I don’t think any of the three siblings are in dire need of money. The equitable distribution was more to uphold principles, rather than need. My aunt and mom didn’t fight it out- another example I learnt from that sacrifice is chosen to avoid conflicts and keep the family together. I wonder if fighting out is a good move, it leads to losing all family connects with people who are mostly good, and we have spent so much childhood memories with. There is still a long way for Indian families to accept true equality in all dimensions beyond just talking about it
I see many parents who like one child more, not necessarily the boy, which they never voice out. It leads to so much friction in the family. My aunt loves her daughter much more than the son, leading to inequitable distribution of love, wealth, time and respect. Equality comes in many dimensions beyond wealth alone
Coming back to the topic, I had the fortune of being brough up with courage. I have had instances like thieves trying to slowly snatch my bag on which I was sleeping in a station in Copenhagen. I have learnt to always keep my guard up without thinking too much. A few tips to be safe
- Build courage from within to be brave (like a man for lack of a better comparison). Some get it by change in mindset, others by training in delf defense
- Minimize taking valuables, jewelry during travel. Credit cards are fraud protected, so increase use of cards for purchases
- Keep your valuables like wallets in safe places, never on top of your bag/ easily accessible places
- Tie up your bags to your hands while sleeping
- Have 2 sets of documents, cards, money at two different places to manage theft
- Write down emergency numbers like Indian embassy on your phone and book to ask for help if required
- Download translation apps to interact with authority if needed
- Learn a few phrases like ‘please/ help’ in local language
- Mention emergency contact on airline travel bookings/ other places where there is provision to maintain it
- Never entertain strangers in a secluded place. Keep bar on trust low
Remember that there are so many women out there trying to fight their place out. I feel privileged to get it by design. Some fight, some give up with sour hearts. A wonderful world would be the one where they are respectfully given their place without asking, too much of a wishful thinking for the 21st century